After my ex-best friend's verbally abusing me with her "attempts" at suicide early this year {2001}, and then claiming she could never do such a thing, and my psychologists questioning me about it almost every time I visit, I guess it's time for me to say something about the subject.
First, I don't understand suicide, except in one special case.
One instance of this special case is that of a soldier throwing himself on a grenade; the last man in a retreat staying behind; the pilot who stays with his airplane until everyone is off; the person who pushes another out of the path of danger, only to lose their own life; or the parent who gives their life for their child's. Most people call this bravery or sacrifice, regardless it's still suicide, even for the sake of others.
The same case occurs when a person with a terminal disease chooses to end their life. No I don't believe in Dr. Kivorkian and his "cause". He's just getting his jollies. I do believe a person in such a situation should set up a living will before they reach this final point. In the will specify when medications and life support should be terminated. A person who reaches the point at which a Kivorkian is accepted onto the scene, is no longer in control of themselves. I believe in a living will, as a means to prevent the sacrifice of family and societal resources, and to prevent continual suffering by the victim.
I have been in the depths of despair, in which I saw no way out, not just this time, but several times, including the kidnapping of my children by my 2nd ex-wife. A person in the depths of despair seldom looks anywhere except where they are. Despair is like putting on blinders. Some while back, I thought things were bad, then I heard from a very dear college friend. His wife of many years was dying of congestive heart failure and he wasn't much better not expecting due to his own medical conditions to outlive her by much, but he felt things could have been worse. This was a rather brutal look "outside the box" for me.
Then I have been told to look up and put my faith in ...[insert favorite deity here]. Well I like the look up analogy, it's where those of us in despair and depression usually don't look. When you're about to be buried under it all, take a deep breath and step up, and keep stepping ...
My brother sent me a parable about a mule with the misfortune to fall into a well:
His cries of despair brought his master and neighbors. But the master after consideration, decided to write off both the mule and the well. With the neighbors' help, he began to fill in the well. With things falling in around him, the mule looked up, saw daylight, and began stepping toward it. Eventually he stepped all the way out.
Now, my question is: Who saved Whom? The mule could have allowed himself to be buried, just as you can. You can also choose, as did the mule, to help yourself. But until you do, you remain at the bottom of the hole. Even when helping yourself, don't begrudge help offered even if it's not in the spirit you would have liked. Help yourself, but also make use of any assistance thrown your way.
No, I can't suicide. There's always tomorrow and other people, and someone in a worse situation than I, even if I don't know about them. I need them just as they may need me.